The Low Mutterer (commentus irritatus)

Low Mutterers are a funny breed. They appear quite normal and in fact, you may even be saying a silent thank you to the powers above when this species chooses to sit near you instead of a weirdo. However, by the time your prayer is over, that's when the weirdness starts and you know your prayers have been in vain and you have in fact been fooled.  Low Mutterers can be male or female and are characterized by low-frequency muttering, audible but almost under their breath.  After a few minutes of being subjected to this unique form of auditory torture, you may even start to believe this muttering may actually be some sort of important dialogue. You may strain to hear the words but they are always alas, just below the level of human hearing. These people could be muttering the cure for cancer or a new theory of relativity but after fellow passengers silence them with harsh glances, those breakthroughs are lost to science forever. If you find yourself in the presence of a low mutterer, ask them to speak up, if only for the sake of science and humanity.

The Bandolero (luggagerus zorro)

The Bandolero can be male or female but tend to be mostly male and can be spotted anytime, anywhere. They are an unpredictable species that can lull you into a stupor of acceptance with their normalcy. Bandoleros typically board the train at later stops and are therefore relegated mostly to middle seats. As the aisle-seat passengers get up to let these creatures in, that's when Bandoleros display their primary behavior. They attempt to take off the 5-6 messenger bags and knapsacks whose straps are crisscrossed in complicated patterns across their chests as if they were extras in the movie The Three Amigos.  This de-bagging process generally takes about 5 minutes and is almost always accompanied by profuse apologizing. It's touching really, but after this extensive seating procedure is completed, nobody really cares to hear it.  Low muttering and disapproving coughs commence immediately.

The Snort Laugher (gigglius hoggii)

This species of commuter tends to travel in packs. Almost always female, young and upwardly mobile with a high quality knock-off bag and shoes she probably can't really afford but purchased anyway for the street cred.  Snort laughers generally inhabit 3/3 combo rows so they can pretend to admire each other while secretly committing fashion faux pas and personal drama to memory to be used as arguments starters at a later date.  These unpleasant creatures are known for recounting old Seinfeld episodes and snort laughing at maximum decibel levels.  This behavior can also be accompanied by extended cell phone use, excessive complaining about ticket prices, and inappropriate flirting with male conductors.  Packs of snort laughers are to be avoided at all costs, it is highly recommended to switch cars at the first viable opportunity if you find yourself unexpectedly in their presence.

The Heavy Breather (darthus vaderemys)

They say go big or go home. If you are stuck near a heavy breather, you will quickly wish they stayed home, preferably strapped to their C-PAP machine. Everything about a heavy breather is big but they are typically characterized by their meaty, melon-sized heads with a generous portion of neck fat, and they tend to appear overdue for a haircut if male. Females can be identified by their blond hair with 6" dark brown roots. Heavy breathers are almost always on the train by the time you board, even if you are at the first stop...leading scientists to believe they can move very quickly when necessary. This species typically inhabits back seats and raises the ambient temperature and humidity of the train car with their endless huffing and puffing. Bring a change of clothes and a squeegee in case you want to see out the window.

Happy Veteran's Day

I would like to thank our veterans for their service to this country, for their brave contributions to our freedom, and for keeping the morning commute down to 1/4 normal capacity.

The Flycatcher (railroadius insectica)

Yep, we've got a flycatcher today. This species of commuter tends to be male, average height and weight and inhabits middle seats. Flycatchers fall into a deathlike sleep once the train leaves the station, and their mouths flop open to the widest possible diameter. Flycatchers are also known to sway with the train's motion making them dangerous and unpredictable adversaries for the passengers on either side.

The Camel (budweiserius humpii)

I'm riveted to my seat by an unholy sight. This woman in front of me belongs in the desert, roaming around an oasis with a sheik on her back eating dates. Big-bird yellow stretch pants with black boots on the outside and the worst case of C.T. I've probably ever seen. Good news is the gallon of beer she probably drank will last a long time stored in her hump....perfect for those frequent LIRR train delays.

Construction Workers (unionus manhattaneri)

I'm in a 3/2 seat combo today facing my seat-mates. Two strapping construction workers, matching jeans with matching work boots, both liberally coated with spackle dust, flannel shirts. These guys are Eastern European and carrying on a rapid-fire discussion in their native language with much hand gesturing. I think they either insulted my mother, or dissolved the latest nuclear proliferation treaty....not sure.

The Sigher (hufferus noisemys)

Today we are blessed to be in the presence of an Olympic-level sigher. This gem of a human has been steadily emitting a cacophony of sighs since we left Penn. When someone in our car turns to glare at him, he rolls his eyes in return as if we just shared a psychic connection. To make matters worse, he is also a bag-rustler. I should warn him he is in danger of being stabbed by a fellow passenger soon, but I just don't care that much.

The Seat-and-a-Halfer (messius heavii)

It's a busy day on safari today on the LIRR. This elusive species of commuter tends to inhabit the window seat of a 3-seater but takes up half of the adjacent seat as well. Generally female, morbidly obese and heavily bearded with long nails and black whiskers.  Likely to be sporting a stretch-cotton ensemble featuring the color hot pink and reeks of Eternity. Belongings typically carried in plastic Shop-Rite bags.  Beware of noxious fumes, as this creature has a highly sensitive defense mechanism similar to the skunk.  Stinky when startled.

The Paper Rustler (Annoyingis folderemii)

Is it really possible I got the same portly gentleman as yesterday next to me? This species of LIRR commuter inhabits middle seats, and its main characteristic is wild rustling of the WSJ along with flailing elbows while attempting to read, fold, and re-fold the paper. This species is also known for using more than its allotted arm space, sighing loudly and often without apparent cause, and getting off at Jamaica.

This Time I Was The Weirdo!

Worst day in a long time, surrounded by criminals, work piled up to the ceiling. I now have a serious stress-related eye twitch on the left. I think the woman sitting next to me on the train thinks I'm winking at her. She's Asian, doesn't speak any English that I can tell but she is yammering away on the phone in I think Korean, probably telling her husband about the frazzled winking lunatic sitting next to her on the train. I wonder if it will help if I tell her I'm a big fan of mandoo dumplings and Bi-Bim-Bab. Probably not. :)

Delays Into Penn

 LIRR email alerts this morning advised of "delays into Penn" due to earlier disabled Amtrak train. I'm going to start an LIRR tribute band and we're going to call ourselves "Delays into Penn". We'll show up late to all of our gigs, and charge a really high cover, and then play like crap....all the while apologizing to our fans and telling them we appreciate their patience with our ineptitude and utter incompetence.

The Curry Eater (spicemys bangalorius)

I'm sitting next to a curry eater.  This species of commuter is seen often on rush hour trains.  This land mammal's behavior is typically quiet and respectful of personal space.  However, the overwhelming stench of curry tends to be eye-watering.  The curry odor in this commuter generally just seeping from the pores.  While glancing at this creature surreptitiously from the corner of my eye, I observed a fully-cooked vegetable samosa just pop out of a sweat gland on his forehead.  Fascinating...

Encounters with the Herd

Ended up behind a herd of morbidly obese women racing for the train today. And when I say racing, I mean taking rapid yet small steps and wildly swinging their arms giving the illusion of speed, but covering very little ground all in all. Plus they spread out in stealth flanking maneuvers so nobody could pass them.  When encountering herds such as this, it can be helpful to carry morsels of food to drop as distractions, thus creating the opportunity you need to get out ahead of these creatures.

The Snorer (snortius maxiumus)

Oh boy, we got us a snorer on board, a choking glotteral sleep-apnea type. Unfortunately, he's several rows ahead, so I cannot see him or I would be lobbing paper clips and assorted crap from my bag over. I just exchanged a very satisfying mutual rolling of the eyes with a lady across the aisle though.... Eventually some loud-mouth LawnGIslandah will get tired of theatrical sighing and the disapproving coughs and smack this guy awake or poke him in the chest. At least a girl can hope, no?

Outbreak!

LIRR is a germ warfare factory today with the spectre of swine flu lingering in a dark cloud above us. The woman (swine flu carrier) next to me is spraying her viral strands everywhere as she coughs into her hand, not her sleeve. Haven't these people seen the movie Outbreak? Tomorrow I'm wearing a hazmat suit to work, hope my boss doesn't mind the change in dress code....

When Good Businessmen Go Bad - The Clark Kent (supermanius imaginii)

Bi'ness man next to me in a black baseball hat like some sort of SWAT Team wanna-be.  He is much like Clark Kent in that he goes to work each day looking professional but after work he dons a baseball hat thus transforming himself (he thinks) into some sort of badass.  This individual tends to inhabit aisle seats so he can peer around at the fellow passengers every few minutes to observe who is noticing his coolness.  Of course, nobody is and whoever happens to catch his eye is typically wondering why this guy keeps looking around, that's all.  This species of commuters has been known to don an earing after boarding the train that he removed for the workday...another part of the camouflage and may also cruise the pike on weekends to recapture his youth.  The one next to me is eating a pecan Cinnabon dripping with frosting with knife and fork. The smell is quickly driving all rational thought from my mind. I'm about 3 seconds from sticking a flag in that bad boy and annexing it as part of my empire. And by empire, I mean my train seat *smirk*

Old Trains - They Think They Can, They Think They Can

LIRR using an old train for their 7:32 Ronkonkoma run. And when I say old, these are the ones we were riding back in high school to hit 42nd Street for fake ID's. They should really give these old fellas a decent burial with full honors and move onto the 21st century....in the meantime, spending time in the dark ages during my commute makes me want to play with my abacus and paint primitive hunting scenes on my cave wall.  Since I ran out of watercolors made from the blood of animals and plant juice I guess I'll just hang a picture up on my cube wall instead.

The Bible Reader (biblicus amenii)

Oh Lord, I gots me one of those today. She got on at Brentwood, typical.....I tell ya, Brentwood must be like the next holiest place after Jerusalem.  My seatmate is a bible-reader...one of the ones who follows each word with her index finger muttering and alternating her reading with some low song-singing or humming. Probably about how the Jews killed Jesus, that seems to be a Top 10 all-time fave for this species of commuter :)

Daytrippers (commuterus irregularis)

Daytrippers on the LIRR, God love 'em.  Crowd evenly placed on the platform and pushing through the doorway....two high-box city broads heading home from their splurge shopping trip to Manhattan are screaming that 'these people are just CRAZY' as they were carried along the wave of unwashed humanity into the train car. We really need to print instructions for daytrippers on rush hour etiquette.  Or at least provide counseling after departure for those that have PTSD from the boarding process.

Just a Lonely Jew Riding The Rails...

"MWJF seeks wandering tribe of Hebrews for walks on the beach, stimulating conversation, latkes and apples-and-honey.". I've sunk pretty low, I know, but its Rosh Hashannah and I’m riding the LIRR and working and no, I will probably not be home by sundown either.  Not only am I not celebrating, but I have no Jews to celebrate with. In the meantime, I'm thinking of sneaking into someone's house and swiping some brisket and kugel. Maybe they will think its Elijah, wrong holiday I know but work with me here....

The Off-Peak Phenomenon (also called "I should have left later")

Off-Peak train on a Friday afternoon, mass [transit] chaos. The inevitable arguing with the conductor over step-up fares commences only disrupted by people who expect you to slide over instead of getting up, construction workers with the bag-o-beers on the floor creating snaking puddles of water that require deft footwork, Painters/Plasterers Union guys covered in spackle dust. Where's a Taser when you need one?