The Seat-and-a-Halfer (messius heavii)

It's a busy day on safari today on the LIRR. This elusive species of commuter tends to inhabit the window seat of a 3-seater but takes up half of the adjacent seat as well. Generally female, morbidly obese and heavily bearded with long nails and black whiskers.  Likely to be sporting a stretch-cotton ensemble featuring the color hot pink and reeks of Eternity. Belongings typically carried in plastic Shop-Rite bags.  Beware of noxious fumes, as this creature has a highly sensitive defense mechanism similar to the skunk.  Stinky when startled.