The Heavy Breather (darthus vaderemys)

They say go big or go home. If you are stuck near a heavy breather, you will quickly wish they stayed home, preferably strapped to their C-PAP machine. Everything about a heavy breather is big but they are typically characterized by their meaty, melon-sized heads with a generous portion of neck fat, and they tend to appear overdue for a haircut if male. Females can be identified by their blond hair with 6" dark brown roots. Heavy breathers are almost always on the train by the time you board, even if you are at the first stop...leading scientists to believe they can move very quickly when necessary. This species typically inhabits back seats and raises the ambient temperature and humidity of the train car with their endless huffing and puffing. Bring a change of clothes and a squeegee in case you want to see out the window.