The Off-Peak Phenomenon (also called "I should have left later")

Off-Peak train on a Friday afternoon, mass [transit] chaos. The inevitable arguing with the conductor over step-up fares commences only disrupted by people who expect you to slide over instead of getting up, construction workers with the bag-o-beers on the floor creating snaking puddles of water that require deft footwork, Painters/Plasterers Union guys covered in spackle dust. Where's a Taser when you need one?