The Camel (budweiserius humpii)

I'm riveted to my seat by an unholy sight. This woman in front of me belongs in the desert, roaming around an oasis with a sheik on her back eating dates. Big-bird yellow stretch pants with black boots on the outside and the worst case of C.T. I've probably ever seen. Good news is the gallon of beer she probably drank will last a long time stored in her hump....perfect for those frequent LIRR train delays.

Construction Workers (unionus manhattaneri)

I'm in a 3/2 seat combo today facing my seat-mates. Two strapping construction workers, matching jeans with matching work boots, both liberally coated with spackle dust, flannel shirts. These guys are Eastern European and carrying on a rapid-fire discussion in their native language with much hand gesturing. I think they either insulted my mother, or dissolved the latest nuclear proliferation treaty....not sure.

The Sigher (hufferus noisemys)

Today we are blessed to be in the presence of an Olympic-level sigher. This gem of a human has been steadily emitting a cacophony of sighs since we left Penn. When someone in our car turns to glare at him, he rolls his eyes in return as if we just shared a psychic connection. To make matters worse, he is also a bag-rustler. I should warn him he is in danger of being stabbed by a fellow passenger soon, but I just don't care that much.

The Seat-and-a-Halfer (messius heavii)

It's a busy day on safari today on the LIRR. This elusive species of commuter tends to inhabit the window seat of a 3-seater but takes up half of the adjacent seat as well. Generally female, morbidly obese and heavily bearded with long nails and black whiskers.  Likely to be sporting a stretch-cotton ensemble featuring the color hot pink and reeks of Eternity. Belongings typically carried in plastic Shop-Rite bags.  Beware of noxious fumes, as this creature has a highly sensitive defense mechanism similar to the skunk.  Stinky when startled.

The Paper Rustler (Annoyingis folderemii)

Is it really possible I got the same portly gentleman as yesterday next to me? This species of LIRR commuter inhabits middle seats, and its main characteristic is wild rustling of the WSJ along with flailing elbows while attempting to read, fold, and re-fold the paper. This species is also known for using more than its allotted arm space, sighing loudly and often without apparent cause, and getting off at Jamaica.

This Time I Was The Weirdo!

Worst day in a long time, surrounded by criminals, work piled up to the ceiling. I now have a serious stress-related eye twitch on the left. I think the woman sitting next to me on the train thinks I'm winking at her. She's Asian, doesn't speak any English that I can tell but she is yammering away on the phone in I think Korean, probably telling her husband about the frazzled winking lunatic sitting next to her on the train. I wonder if it will help if I tell her I'm a big fan of mandoo dumplings and Bi-Bim-Bab. Probably not. :)

Delays Into Penn

 LIRR email alerts this morning advised of "delays into Penn" due to earlier disabled Amtrak train. I'm going to start an LIRR tribute band and we're going to call ourselves "Delays into Penn". We'll show up late to all of our gigs, and charge a really high cover, and then play like crap....all the while apologizing to our fans and telling them we appreciate their patience with our ineptitude and utter incompetence.