Danger Signs

There are two loud, gum-smacking, opinionated broads, on the sunny side of middle age, and sitting center car. I fear violence will soon be ensuing. This species of commuter is an anomaly, a glitch in the Matrix if you will. These carefree thrill-seekers know but willfully choose to disregard the rules of the rail. They talk too loudly, they express their dubious insight and trade sage wisdoms back and forth, loosely based on what one can only assume is their vast knowledge of the world, its many cultures and all current events. As to keeping the decibels down to a dull roar, well, these risk-takers....they just don't care. They repeatedly ignore warning signs like the all-too-familiar disapproving cough, they dismiss the exceptionally-loud paper rustle, and the many dirty looks. They choose not to recognize the angry hum of a mob starting to form. These bold, reckless commuters are not only a danger to themselves, but also to others should things get ugly.  An innocent bystander could be injured by an eye-dart and a particularly vicious glare has been known to cause multiple contusions and even blood loss. I think we are fast approaching Defcon 3...we are too close for missiles, we're switching to guns, Goose...

Got Milk?

We have a momma's boy with us today. Well, I believe this poor slob is really a browbeaten, hen-pecked husband, but I can't be absolutely sure.  I just quietly observed him carrying on a conversation with someone who spoke so loudly on the other end that one would think the cell phone was on loudspeaker. Well, to make a long story short....there was a whole lotta talk about milk. Yep, you heard me. This guy has been firmly instructed....no, rather charged with the sacred duty of obtaining a gallon of milk on his way home. It is possible that he has failed at this noble venture before, hence the emphatic, loud and repeated exaltations on the other end of the phone to achieve success. I'm not sure why this woman was so loud, as clearly we could have rioted and injured her husband in punishment for her big mouth and the breaking of the auditory peace. Perhaps she believes if the rest of the car knows he is supposed to get milk on the way home, we might give him a final reminder before we all disembark the train?

Holy Moley

I'm not sure what classification this one goes in....perhaps just as a scientific curiousity or maybe a sideshow. Anyhow, I chose wisely today and I'm on an end-cap of a 3-seater with *ahem* extremely big-boned woman on the window. She's fully decked out in Pepto-Bismol pink and the one wrist that is exposed shows several too-small gold bracelets struggling to remain clasped while being separated by individual rolls of fat. After we hit the tunnel she fell asleep in such record time one would suspect narcolepsy. It is then that, as her head shifted towards me, I observed her opposite cheek sported an Uncle Buck-sized facial mole, adorned with 4 long hairs. Yes, it was so big I could count them even out of the corner of my eye because, you know, its not polite to stare. As she took it down for her first REM cycle, her mouth flopped open and the intake of each breath caused the 4 mole hairs to be gently bent inwards. Each exhale made them flip the other way, waving madly but in a tight, almost choreographed formation....sort of like the follicular equivalent of the Electric Slide. Actually, I just realized I am staring now....ah well, manners can't take precedence over the serious journalistic reporting I'm doing here anyway.  The public has to know these things...