The Low Mutterer (commentus irritatus)

Low Mutterers are a funny breed. They appear quite normal and in fact, you may even be saying a silent thank you to the powers above when this species chooses to sit near you instead of a weirdo. However, by the time your prayer is over, that's when the weirdness starts and you know your prayers have been in vain and you have in fact been fooled.  Low Mutterers can be male or female and are characterized by low-frequency muttering, audible but almost under their breath.  After a few minutes of being subjected to this unique form of auditory torture, you may even start to believe this muttering may actually be some sort of important dialogue. You may strain to hear the words but they are always alas, just below the level of human hearing. These people could be muttering the cure for cancer or a new theory of relativity but after fellow passengers silence them with harsh glances, those breakthroughs are lost to science forever. If you find yourself in the presence of a low mutterer, ask them to speak up, if only for the sake of science and humanity.

The Bandolero (luggagerus zorro)

The Bandolero can be male or female but tend to be mostly male and can be spotted anytime, anywhere. They are an unpredictable species that can lull you into a stupor of acceptance with their normalcy. Bandoleros typically board the train at later stops and are therefore relegated mostly to middle seats. As the aisle-seat passengers get up to let these creatures in, that's when Bandoleros display their primary behavior. They attempt to take off the 5-6 messenger bags and knapsacks whose straps are crisscrossed in complicated patterns across their chests as if they were extras in the movie The Three Amigos.  This de-bagging process generally takes about 5 minutes and is almost always accompanied by profuse apologizing. It's touching really, but after this extensive seating procedure is completed, nobody really cares to hear it.  Low muttering and disapproving coughs commence immediately.

The Snort Laugher (gigglius hoggii)

This species of commuter tends to travel in packs. Almost always female, young and upwardly mobile with a high quality knock-off bag and shoes she probably can't really afford but purchased anyway for the street cred.  Snort laughers generally inhabit 3/3 combo rows so they can pretend to admire each other while secretly committing fashion faux pas and personal drama to memory to be used as arguments starters at a later date.  These unpleasant creatures are known for recounting old Seinfeld episodes and snort laughing at maximum decibel levels.  This behavior can also be accompanied by extended cell phone use, excessive complaining about ticket prices, and inappropriate flirting with male conductors.  Packs of snort laughers are to be avoided at all costs, it is highly recommended to switch cars at the first viable opportunity if you find yourself unexpectedly in their presence.

The Heavy Breather (darthus vaderemys)

They say go big or go home. If you are stuck near a heavy breather, you will quickly wish they stayed home, preferably strapped to their C-PAP machine. Everything about a heavy breather is big but they are typically characterized by their meaty, melon-sized heads with a generous portion of neck fat, and they tend to appear overdue for a haircut if male. Females can be identified by their blond hair with 6" dark brown roots. Heavy breathers are almost always on the train by the time you board, even if you are at the first stop...leading scientists to believe they can move very quickly when necessary. This species typically inhabits back seats and raises the ambient temperature and humidity of the train car with their endless huffing and puffing. Bring a change of clothes and a squeegee in case you want to see out the window.

Happy Veteran's Day

I would like to thank our veterans for their service to this country, for their brave contributions to our freedom, and for keeping the morning commute down to 1/4 normal capacity.

The Flycatcher (railroadius insectica)

Yep, we've got a flycatcher today. This species of commuter tends to be male, average height and weight and inhabits middle seats. Flycatchers fall into a deathlike sleep once the train leaves the station, and their mouths flop open to the widest possible diameter. Flycatchers are also known to sway with the train's motion making them dangerous and unpredictable adversaries for the passengers on either side.

The Camel (budweiserius humpii)

I'm riveted to my seat by an unholy sight. This woman in front of me belongs in the desert, roaming around an oasis with a sheik on her back eating dates. Big-bird yellow stretch pants with black boots on the outside and the worst case of C.T. I've probably ever seen. Good news is the gallon of beer she probably drank will last a long time stored in her hump....perfect for those frequent LIRR train delays.